Monday, February 14, 2011

An Unpopular Opinion in Stream of Consciousness

I feel awful about it.  I hate it.  I don't want this opinion.  It makes me feel guilty.  It makes me sad.  It makes me angry.  I hate it to the point that I don't want to admit it.  However, I'm going to because I need to.

I do not like being pregnant.

It's horrible, I know.  I'm so sad and disappointed.  I have always thought of pregnancy as this natural and beautiful blessing that God only allows us women to experience.  It's a blessing that so many women desire and pray for, and struggle with infertility.  And here I am, pregnant with literally minimal effort, hating it.  How selfish is that thought.  Sadly though, it's the truth.

I adore feeling Ethan move around.  I love watching him grow with every ultrasound, and I love that I'm going to be a mother in just a few short months.  This has nothing to do with NOT wanting my son, because I want him more than anything in the world.  And I'm well aware (and told often) that it will all be worth it in June.  I know this, but that doesn't make me feel better now.  Of course I would do it all over again to bring Ethan to the world, but some days it is so hard to be positive.  I know he's worth it, but telling me that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm not sure that it is even the pregnancy I hate.  It's the combination of pregnancy and surgery recovery.  My recovery is painful.  Some days I feel as if I haven't been out of surgery for more than a few minutes.  Some days my swelling returns.  My scar hurts.  The fluid around my lungs hurt.  The "rub" that the surgeons warned me of really hurts.  To top it all off, I'm pregnant.  Mixing the recovery pain with pregnancy discomforts creates a terrible combination.

There are days that I don't understand why my recovery is taking so long.  I'm then reminded that my body is attempting to readjust to a "normal" with my heart, but also adjust to providing the perfect living space for my sweet boy.  My body is so horribly confused on which to adjust to that it gets even more out of sorts and hurts worse than ever.

I'm angry.  I'm jealous.  It's not fair (yes, I'm whining) that I don't get a chance to enjoy my pregnancy.  I would welcome the pregnancy discomforts with open arms that aren't combined with my heart woes.  The days that the pain gets me down also really gets me down mentally.

It's not fair that my body put Ethan's life in danger.  Why did he have to be exposed to so many medications, anesthesia, x-rays, and surgeries?  He has been exposed to so many things that I feared exposing him to because of all the horror stories you hear.  Yet I wasn't given a choice.

Physically, I can't do what I want to prepare for Ethan's arrival.  I have to have a lot of help with what needs to be done and what I would like done.  I am so grateful for my loving husband and wonderful mother that have been extra helpful with those preparations, as well as everyone else.  However, I'm angry that I even have to have the help.  I want to feel useful, instead of lazy. 

I always thought that these last 9 months as a family of two,  Jason and I would be able to go and do a lot of fun things before becoming three.  We can't.  Of course I still enjoy his company, but so many of our plans were scratched as soon as I had my first surgery.  

Pregnancy is supposed to be MY time with Ethan.  My time that no one else gets to share, where we bond and I cherish this time that only I get to have with him.  I've been hurting so badly these past few days that I can't cherish it.  I cherish my precious baby boy more than anything, but I sadly don't cherish this sweet time that we will never get back.  I feel like I've been cheated out of this time with all of these complications and worries.

I worry about what happens after delivery.  Will all of these health issues disappear like the doctors say they will?  Is this something that my family will struggle with even after Ethan is here?  Have I had my last surgery to correct this problem yet?  I don't know, and I'm frustrated about that.  I'm afraid of it.  

And there you have it.  My confession.  The horrible, awful, embarrassing unpopular opinion that I have.


Jess said...

Sweet Paige....... Your feelings are completely valid and understandable.

We all have expectations.... hopes.... dreams.... of what our life experiences will be. It's such a hard situation when those don't come to fruition.

Don't feel bad for your feelings. You are completely justified in having them!!

Brittney said...

Don't feel bad! Pregnancy really is harder on some people than it is others. And you're having to deal with so much more than just pregnancy! You're not a bad person, just going through a tough time! I'm sorry you haven't been able to enjoy your pregnancy. :( But everyone is right - the end will be soooo much more than worth it! Hang in there!

lessonsinlifeandlight said...

Aw, Paige. I'm so sorry you feel this way. It's really not fair that you're dealing with health issues while you're pregnant. Because you're right--you should be able to enjoy this time.

I have no idea what your limitations are, but have you thought of taking a prenatal yoga class? I really love mine. It's a time where the baby and I can just be together and bond in a calm, loving environment. Maybe that's something you could look into?

Lyr said...

DO NOT FEEL BAD! I get it. I totally feel you and understand what you are talking about. Pregnancy is just not a fun thing for me either! People think I'm such a mean mom by saying it, but I hate what it does to my emotions and body. Hate it. I love the end result, don't get me wrong. It's just not my bag of tricks though.

Don't feel bad!! NOT everyone likes being preggo. And it doesn't make you a bad person because you don't. Almost done, hun!

Ashley Belle said...

I think this is an opinion that most pregnant women will share with you! I hated being pregnant for much of my first! While my struggles were nothing in comparison to you, I often found myself in a miserable depression! Don't feel bad for being honest!! ( I don't think any woman truly enjoys gaining 20 plus pounds, crazy hormones, gas, bloating, fatigue, throwing up every day....) But again, the end result makes it all worth it!

Brittany Ann said...

Oh, sweet girl, don't feel bad. I felt this way when my morning sickness was so bad I was throwing up four-five times a day. I wondered how I'd ever subject myself to this again. And what you're going through? WAY WORSE THAN THAT!

Totally understandable.

Please don't beat yourself up over it.

You know what one of my midwives told me? When I was worrying about something other insignificant I'd eaten I shouldn't have when I was about 12 weeks along?

"Babies are resilient. Their very presence is a miracle. They've already beat the odds. And from that point on, they grow more and more resilient."

Your little boy is perfectly healthy, and super glad you've gone through what you have so you can grow him! Don't worry about that at all!

He's a fighter, just like his mama. He's perfect already:)

Sarah said...

Man what a Debbie Downer you are.....Where is my always happy Paige? I'm thinking you are in desperate need of a Minit Mart run with yours truly :-)

In all seriousness, I am soooo sorry you are having such a tough time! Hang in there! Sweet Ethan will be here soon! Miss you, Love you!

If it makes you feel slightly better, I complain ALL the time and whine about random aches and pains (When did I go from being almost 25 to feeling like I'm about to reach the over the hill age) and I'm not pregnant or dealing with a heart condition! So at the end of the day just remember, at least you aren't as high maintenance as me :-)

P.S. Too bad your other readers don't know me and our friendship because this post could be taken in a completely annoying way....oh well!