Saturday, January 8, 2011

Finally...some hope.

I'm. Still. Here. I've been feeling VERY discouraged and annoyed.  I know my family is tired, and I know they need to get home, but I also know they will refuse to leave my side (which I love, but feel guilty about all the same).

Last night was really rough.  My family definitely has the "laugh through the serious times" attitude, but laughter has been so physically painful, I have begged them not to tell too many jokes around me.  It's nearly impossible to do, and they have been absolutely hilarious.  My mom and I were going back and forth and I started cracking up, and then within seconds burst into tears.  I let my pain get ahead of me, and took more medicine.  I've been so frustrated with my body's inability to recover as fast as I want it to, frustrated with the pain, and frustrated that Ethan and I are going through this again.  My depression level has been higher than I can ever remember, and my anxiety level is running a close second.  My doctors have attempted to be reassuring that the pericardial window surgery gives me an extremely low risk of another recurrence, but I haven't felt reassured.

I've cried a LOT these past few days.  I've cried out of pain, frustration, fear, you name it.  It's not been pretty.  I want this behind us, I want the chance to enjoy being pregnant, and I just want to go HOME!

Today has been better.  My pain has improved, but I am horribly homesick.  I'm glad my husband and parents have been here with me, but I miss my sister terribly.  She was going to come visit today, but the snow created other plans.  

My surgeon came in this afternoon to look at my drain and discuss my fluid output.  Thankfully, it has decreased significantly.  Instead of 900ccs, yesterday was only around the 150 range.  To be extra careful, he wants to leave it in one more day just to make sure my pericardium is completely dry this time.  We still have no other leads for the cause other than a virus that settled itself in my heart and created inflammation and fluid.  He believes the pregnancy exacerbated the problem, but does not believe that future pregnancies will see this problem.

He told us today that with everything they drained during the surgery, along with the output in my drain, I was probably holding about a gallon of fluid around my heart.  We discussed my inconsistent symptoms this time, and he told me that my ECHO and effusion was the most impressive that they have ever seen.  He also could not believe that my body tolerated that much fluid without detrimental effects.  I talked with him about my anxiety of the return of this fluid again.  He was very honest with me and told me that it was a possibility, and briefly mentioned the next steps beyond the window if that were to occur.  He then stopped and told me that although it was a possibility, they have been so careful to make sure that every bit of fluid is gone before they remove the drain, he would be shocked to see me suffer with this again. I was so glad to have my questions answered and to finally feel some reassurance.

My hopes are that the drain will come out tomorrow and that my ECHO will be clear on Monday so that I can be discharged to leave Nashville and come back to Kentucky!  Thank you all so much for the  prayers.  They are working, keep them coming!


Jen Creed said...

We've been thinking of you all as you're going through this again! I hope you will feel better and can go home soon. Is there anything you all need while you're at the hospital? We're close if you ever need anything!

Brittney said...

How did I miss all these updates??!! I'm glad I finally read them, though, and am now caught up on what's going on. I will be praying for you!

Brittany Ann said...

Oh, sweet girl, Ethan is sooo going to appreciate and love all his mama did and endured to get him in this world safely.

You both are in my prayers:)