“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”
I wish I had found this quote years ago. I have always had issues of trusting others. Many always told me that you should always trust a person until they show that they are untrustworthy. I always viewed it to be the other way around. I have always protected my heart and my feelings from outside sources, for fear of deception. I've had many broken hearts by boys and other friends that resulted in a very careful selection of individuals to see the real me. Many of you have been with me through the journey of learning about true friendships this year, and I'm learning to be ever thankful for the beautiful ones in my life. If only it had always been so easy to trust them.
My gut always seemed right when it told me not to trust someone. Why is it always so difficult to go with your gut? Because I didn't trust it either. I wasn't trusting God to grant me the wisdom to avoid hurtful situations. Learning to trust God to put me where I needed to be was always a difficult lesson. Friendships, relationships, jobs, school, etc. require constant trust in God to keep you where you need to be.
Thank goodness for my two best friends you all hear me talk about so much. If they hadn't embraced my weakness for trust, I wouldn't have those two today. I spent so much time pushing them away during our first few years of friendship it is a miracle that we are the friends we are today. They accepted me for who I am, and because of that I have learned who to trust-and who not to.
Trusting God in my male relationships was the hardest thing to do. Jason and I have a very interesting route to our marriage. He and I met while I was dating another guy that I felt very strongly for. Meeting Jason opened up an entirely different world of friendships and experiences that our friendship quickly grew into something more. I found it very difficult to trust the instinct of a much healthier relationship, and actually reconsidered my decision with my previous boyfriend shortly after Jason and I began dating. We split ways, but remained close friends. The next few months were extremely confusing and difficult, and I finally had no choice but to give in and trust God to show me where I needed to be. Were either of these men for me to marry? Should I walk in a completely different direction? It wasn't long after I chose to completely give up all control in that situation when my eyes were opened-just in time for Christmas.
During this confusing time, I knew that I still wanted to do something small and special for Jason, even if we were only friends. I chose to find a vinyl album to add to his collection, but left it in his vehicle while working one day. That very night, I was supposed to have dinner and celebrate Christmas with the other corner to my confusing triangle. That evening, I received a hat from his favorite baseball team, and a sweatshirt from his college (that I did not attend). I was so upset, but tried not to show it. It wasn't the gift. It was the knowledge that he put zero thought into this time together, and I was very hurt by it. A few days later, after the English class Jason and I shared that semester, he gave me a small Christmas gift: two beautiful ballerina Christmas ornaments to go with my collection that my mother had so lovingly worked on creating over the years. It was that very moment that I knew exactly where I wanted to be, and who God wanted me to marry.
Learning that level of trust has given me so many opportunities to know when I should and should not trust others. It is still a very difficult task for me with new friendships, but I feel that I am still learning. I have learned to keep God right in my heart where he belongs, and to trust my heart when it tells me something. "God will never deny you of a blessing, only to give you something better."