Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Big Changes-Another Stream of Consciousness
October 11 was definitely not the last time our lives have changed. Over these past few months, our entire world as been turned upside down. While we were eagerly preparing for Ethan's arrival, our lives were changed again with my health situation, and then again when I was taken off work to recover from my surgeries. The surgeries combined with my pregnancy have made the recovery and the risks much greater than we have hoped for. It has certainly been an adjustment to go from being around my kiddos every day to being at home and spending more time with my family. It has been bittersweet. I miss my clients.
As of this week, it appears this situation will remain permanent at least until Ethan's arrival. After a great amount heartache, frustration, tears, and stress, I have lost my job. My inability to return to work within this period of time has resulted in my termination. While I would love to share the details with you on here, it is currently not in my best interest. I'm angry and hurt with the sequence of events, but there is unfortunately nothing I can do to change them.
I feel extremely sad for myself, but even more so for my clients. I have always felt that my clients counted on me to be a constant role model that never walked out on them. Unfortunately, I left work one afternoon with no idea that I would never return. I feel guilty for not giving my clients the closure they deserve. I feel relieved for this part of the process to be over, as it has been a long battle in the works, but I can't help but continue to worry about my kids. I had fantastic relationships with my kids, and I worry about who will take my place. I certainly hope that my sudden departure from their lives without any closure does not hinder any progress that we were able to make together. I hope they are able to continue to open their vulnerable hearts to another new face that will have their best interest at heart. And I hope that someday, they learn the truth and will understand.
As of this week, it appears this situation will remain permanent at least until Ethan's arrival. After a great amount heartache, frustration, tears, and stress, I have lost my job. My inability to return to work within this period of time has resulted in my termination. While I would love to share the details with you on here, it is currently not in my best interest. I'm angry and hurt with the sequence of events, but there is unfortunately nothing I can do to change them.
I feel extremely sad for myself, but even more so for my clients. I have always felt that my clients counted on me to be a constant role model that never walked out on them. Unfortunately, I left work one afternoon with no idea that I would never return. I feel guilty for not giving my clients the closure they deserve. I feel relieved for this part of the process to be over, as it has been a long battle in the works, but I can't help but continue to worry about my kids. I had fantastic relationships with my kids, and I worry about who will take my place. I certainly hope that my sudden departure from their lives without any closure does not hinder any progress that we were able to make together. I hope they are able to continue to open their vulnerable hearts to another new face that will have their best interest at heart. And I hope that someday, they learn the truth and will understand.
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Whirlwind-The Physical Updates
It's been nearly 10 weeks since my second surgery. I can't believe that it was only 10 weeks ago, but at the same time it seems to be something that happened in a horrible nightmare years ago. These past 10 weeks have brought us so many trials and tribulations regarding my health, my job, our son, and our family. I have many updates for you, but I'm going to have to break them up as they occur this week to save your eyes for length.
Physically, I'm doing "ok." Some days I feel FABULOUS and have zero thoughts of any type of heart condition. My only reminder is my exclamation point scar (maybe I'll share sometime). Other days, I have the same chest pain, palpitations, heaviness and fatigue that I had just a few days before and after surgery. This has truly been a learning process for me to accept taking things one day at a time.
I can't say enough about Centennial Heart. If you are in the Tennessee area, Centennial is the ONLY place I would consider. The entire team of surgeons, technicians, nurses, and nurse practitioners have been incredible to my family and me. I can't wait to send pictures and announcements to everyone involved with giving sweet Ethan a chance at living. So if anyone that is involved with Centennial Heart finds this blog: THANK YOU from the bottom of my fixed broken heart.
Today was my most recent ECHO and cardiology appointment. This appointment was to follow-up to monitor my fluid and begin discussions of delivery in June. My husband is desperately trying to hold onto some leave time for Ethan's arrival and wasn't able to travel to Nashville with me. My incredibly supportive and involved parents came with me for support. With all of the erratic symptoms lately, we were all a little nervous.
I had the same tech for my ECHO as I had the last time. She and I chatted about her children and Ethan's room throughout the ECHO. I could tell by looking (I've seen enough of my own heart to know a LITTLE bit of what they see in ECHOs) that things were not serious enough to readmit me for an even more laborious surgery. I did notice quite a bit of scar tissue, right in the location that I have had the largest amount of pain and discomfort.
I went to the appointment confident that the fluid had not massively returned, but was still filled with anxiety of some fluid as well as complications from the palpitations. Although the techs cannot reveal any concrete results, at the end of the scan she smiled and told me that although my doctor has the final word, she was more pleased with this ECHO than the last. Her words made the short wait to see my doctor so much easier.
My OBs in my hometown are concerned with the level of heart monitoring that they are able to do. My hometown is only capable of so much when it comes to monitoring my heart during delivery. They have expressed concern with this, and have decided to take my delivery with caution. If my cardiologist feels the need to extra monitoring for any reason, I will have to deliver in Nashville instead of my hometown. We have been praying that this does not occur, because delivering in Nashville would mean scheduling a c-section or induction (neither of which I want to endure).
After a discussion with the doctor, I can't describe my relief. He was pleased with the ECHO, and told me that the fluid around my heart is still manageable without surgery. He still feels that the palpitations, chest pain and heaviness are still related to such excessive manipulation with my heart during the surgery as well as the adjustments it is making to the pregnancy. He feels that there is no need for beta-blockers at this time, but wants to reevaluate after delivery if they do not disappear by then. This was a HUGE comfort to me, as I was so afraid that our next battle was going to be struggles with appropriate heart rhythm.
We also discussed my delivery and as of this ECHO, there is no need to schedule a high-risk delivery. He agreed with my OBs to do another ECHO about 6 weeks prior to my due date to reassure that opinion, so there is still a small chance of a scheduled delivery. I am SO glad that I still have the chance to bring Ethan into the world the way I have hoped to do in my own hometown. My doctor stated that the only risk I currently have during delivery is going into an atrial fibrillation, which I understand to be a highly increased heart rate. My doctor doesn't feel that this will be life threatening because of the strength of my heart, and that it will be manageable with medication during delivery.
The only way the news could have been any better would have been to hear that there was ZERO fluid and no traces of reoccurrence. I'm so happy and relieved to hear the best news we could have gotten today. Thank you all again so much for your continued encouraging words and prayers.
Physically, I'm doing "ok." Some days I feel FABULOUS and have zero thoughts of any type of heart condition. My only reminder is my exclamation point scar (maybe I'll share sometime). Other days, I have the same chest pain, palpitations, heaviness and fatigue that I had just a few days before and after surgery. This has truly been a learning process for me to accept taking things one day at a time.
I can't say enough about Centennial Heart. If you are in the Tennessee area, Centennial is the ONLY place I would consider. The entire team of surgeons, technicians, nurses, and nurse practitioners have been incredible to my family and me. I can't wait to send pictures and announcements to everyone involved with giving sweet Ethan a chance at living. So if anyone that is involved with Centennial Heart finds this blog: THANK YOU from the bottom of my fixed broken heart.
Today was my most recent ECHO and cardiology appointment. This appointment was to follow-up to monitor my fluid and begin discussions of delivery in June. My husband is desperately trying to hold onto some leave time for Ethan's arrival and wasn't able to travel to Nashville with me. My incredibly supportive and involved parents came with me for support. With all of the erratic symptoms lately, we were all a little nervous.
I had the same tech for my ECHO as I had the last time. She and I chatted about her children and Ethan's room throughout the ECHO. I could tell by looking (I've seen enough of my own heart to know a LITTLE bit of what they see in ECHOs) that things were not serious enough to readmit me for an even more laborious surgery. I did notice quite a bit of scar tissue, right in the location that I have had the largest amount of pain and discomfort.
I went to the appointment confident that the fluid had not massively returned, but was still filled with anxiety of some fluid as well as complications from the palpitations. Although the techs cannot reveal any concrete results, at the end of the scan she smiled and told me that although my doctor has the final word, she was more pleased with this ECHO than the last. Her words made the short wait to see my doctor so much easier.
My OBs in my hometown are concerned with the level of heart monitoring that they are able to do. My hometown is only capable of so much when it comes to monitoring my heart during delivery. They have expressed concern with this, and have decided to take my delivery with caution. If my cardiologist feels the need to extra monitoring for any reason, I will have to deliver in Nashville instead of my hometown. We have been praying that this does not occur, because delivering in Nashville would mean scheduling a c-section or induction (neither of which I want to endure).
After a discussion with the doctor, I can't describe my relief. He was pleased with the ECHO, and told me that the fluid around my heart is still manageable without surgery. He still feels that the palpitations, chest pain and heaviness are still related to such excessive manipulation with my heart during the surgery as well as the adjustments it is making to the pregnancy. He feels that there is no need for beta-blockers at this time, but wants to reevaluate after delivery if they do not disappear by then. This was a HUGE comfort to me, as I was so afraid that our next battle was going to be struggles with appropriate heart rhythm.
We also discussed my delivery and as of this ECHO, there is no need to schedule a high-risk delivery. He agreed with my OBs to do another ECHO about 6 weeks prior to my due date to reassure that opinion, so there is still a small chance of a scheduled delivery. I am SO glad that I still have the chance to bring Ethan into the world the way I have hoped to do in my own hometown. My doctor stated that the only risk I currently have during delivery is going into an atrial fibrillation, which I understand to be a highly increased heart rate. My doctor doesn't feel that this will be life threatening because of the strength of my heart, and that it will be manageable with medication during delivery.
The only way the news could have been any better would have been to hear that there was ZERO fluid and no traces of reoccurrence. I'm so happy and relieved to hear the best news we could have gotten today. Thank you all again so much for your continued encouraging words and prayers.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Stream of Consciousness Vent About Filters
If you ask my opinions, you're going to get it. You will get the honest opinion, no filter included. Do not ask me to tell you what you want to hear, because I will likely disappoint. I'm very blunt and I'm very honest, which becomes my greatest curse and greatest blessing all at once. I have a very minimal filter. However, this is when my opinion is solicited. With certain members of my family, I don't mind giving my unsolicited opinion (hey, it's what we do) but not with everyone. Of course I slip up and say things that are hurtful that could have been phrased in a better way. Most of the time, I do make an effort to present my difference of opinion in a respectful way. Until now. I have always believed and tried to treat rude people by "killing them with kindness." Recent events and conversations have sent me in a new direction. I'm turning off my very small filter.
It appears that the ones I make an effort to turn my filter on for would prefer to have my filter off. It appears that their filters are off with me. Maybe it is because I'm pregnant and people feel that they have a right to tell me how I look, how to raise my child, how to feed my child, where to let my child sleep, and other ridiculous things about parenting. People feel that it is acceptable to tell me that my life needs to be rearranged around their busy schedules. Yet when these rude comments are made, people are often shocked that I might not agree with them and stand up for myself. It may be a petty comment, but petty comments that come in abundance often lead me to a complete shut down with my filter. This often sends me to spouting off exactly what I think completely unsolicited.
Is this seriously a pregnancy thing or just a stupid people thing? Do people really believe that it is acceptable to say the first comment out of their mouth regardless of how rude it may be? Since when is it acceptable for anyone but my husband to discuss with me the pros and cons of breastfeeding or where Ethan should sleep? I completely appreciate the respectful discussions that I have had with several blog Mommies over the past few months. Conversations that are mature enough to allow me to appreciate another's opinion while mine is appreciated as well. These conversations are always a learning experience.
You don't have to agree with me all the time. If you disagree, do so respectfully. It isn't necessary to share with me everything you did to raise your own children and insist that my difference of opinion is cruel or appalling. It isn't necessary to disregard any maternal instincts I may have for my own son just because you are already a mother. It certainly isn't appropriate to insist that my pregnancy and life with my son revolves around anyone else. If this is the case when you share your opinion, Jason and I have it covered, thanks though.
Sigh. Sometimes I wish my face-to-face encounters were unaware that I have a blog.
It appears that the ones I make an effort to turn my filter on for would prefer to have my filter off. It appears that their filters are off with me. Maybe it is because I'm pregnant and people feel that they have a right to tell me how I look, how to raise my child, how to feed my child, where to let my child sleep, and other ridiculous things about parenting. People feel that it is acceptable to tell me that my life needs to be rearranged around their busy schedules. Yet when these rude comments are made, people are often shocked that I might not agree with them and stand up for myself. It may be a petty comment, but petty comments that come in abundance often lead me to a complete shut down with my filter. This often sends me to spouting off exactly what I think completely unsolicited.
Is this seriously a pregnancy thing or just a stupid people thing? Do people really believe that it is acceptable to say the first comment out of their mouth regardless of how rude it may be? Since when is it acceptable for anyone but my husband to discuss with me the pros and cons of breastfeeding or where Ethan should sleep? I completely appreciate the respectful discussions that I have had with several blog Mommies over the past few months. Conversations that are mature enough to allow me to appreciate another's opinion while mine is appreciated as well. These conversations are always a learning experience.
You don't have to agree with me all the time. If you disagree, do so respectfully. It isn't necessary to share with me everything you did to raise your own children and insist that my difference of opinion is cruel or appalling. It isn't necessary to disregard any maternal instincts I may have for my own son just because you are already a mother. It certainly isn't appropriate to insist that my pregnancy and life with my son revolves around anyone else. If this is the case when you share your opinion, Jason and I have it covered, thanks though.
Sigh. Sometimes I wish my face-to-face encounters were unaware that I have a blog.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
25 Weeks!
25 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 146
Maternity clothes? Still a mixture of everything in the shirt department, but mostly ALL maternity pants.
Stretch marks? Nope, not yet.
Sleep: Sleeping has been virtually nonexistent this week.
Best moment this week: My sister finally got to feel Ethan kick for the first time!
Movement: Still a wiggle worm, but his kicks aren't as strong as what they have been. Trying NOT to be worried about this since he is still moving.
Food cravings: It has changed! I'm loving fresh fruit right now!
Gender: Our sweet baby Ethan Bryant Orlando.
Labor Signs: Still none! Let's keep it that way!
Belly Button in or out? Still an innie, but it is really flat and weird.
Wedding rings on or off? On usually. The wedding band is still the only one that may or may not fit on certain days.
What I miss: Um...picking things up off the floor with ease.
What I am looking forward to: Reaching the 3rd trimester in a few weeks!
Weekly Wisdom: I'm horrible on this section.
Milestones: No real major pregnancy milestones this week.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Pregnant Girl that Can't Get Enough Sweets...
...makes Tagalong Cupcakes! My cousin Amy e-mailed me a recipe from this blog and said they looked really good. After taking a look at the picture, I agreed. Since I cave to just about every single craving I have, I figured these were a must try. They were definitely worth it.
I modified this a little because I chose to use a chocolate cake mix instead of a white cake mix that the blog called for. So for the cake you will need:
1 Cake Mix (chocolate or white, depending on your preference)
2 boxes of Girl Scout Tagalongs
Preheat oven to 350. Make cake mix as directed. Put a small spoonful of cake mix at the bottom of the cupcake liner (enough to cover the bottom nicely). Drop in 1 Tagalong Cookie for each cupcake. Finish filling the liners with cake mix, at least 3/4 the way full. Bake for about 23 minutes or so. Allow to cool, and then ice with this AMAZING Honey Peanut Butter Icing:
You will need:
1 cup of softened butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 tbsp. of water
2-4 tbsp. honey
1 tsp. vanilla
1/8 tsp. salt
4 cups powdered sugar
I modified this a little because I chose to use a chocolate cake mix instead of a white cake mix that the blog called for. So for the cake you will need:
1 Cake Mix (chocolate or white, depending on your preference)
2 boxes of Girl Scout Tagalongs
1 cup of softened butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 tbsp. of water
2-4 tbsp. honey
1 tsp. vanilla
1/8 tsp. salt
4 cups powdered sugar
Cream butter and peanut butter together. Add water, salt, and vanilla and cream together. Slowly add the powdered sugar to the mix. Once it is all combined, add in another 1-2 tbsp. of water. (My icing turned out slightly runny, so you might get by skipping this step.) Mix in honey until creamy. Ice on your cupcakes and you are set! These are seriously incredible.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
24 Weeks!
24 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Back to 144. Looks like that week of fluid loss has returned. :/
Maternity clothes? Still a mixture of everything in the shirt department, but mostly ALL maternity pants.
Stretch marks? Nope, not yet.
Sleep: That's debatable on the day.
Best moment this week: Realizing we hit the viability mark.
Movement: Definitely a little wiggle worm. I love it. It is by far my favorite part of pregnancy.
Food cravings: Lots of chocolate!
Gender: Our sweet baby Ethan Bryant Orlando.
Labor Signs: Still none! Let's keep it that way!
Belly Button in or out? Still an innie, but it is really flat and weird.
Wedding rings on or off? On usually. The wedding band is still the only one that may or may not fit on certain days.
What I miss: Sleeping soundly on a consistent basis.
What I am looking forward to: Reaching the 3rd trimester in a few weeks!
Weekly Wisdom: I'm horrible on this section.
Milestones: Reaching the viability mark! And our area had their huge baby consignment sale this weekend and we got Ethan's wardrobe! I've done so well with resisting cute things in stores to save up for this! My sister and parents also bought him a few clothes too!
We also were really excited to find a Sophie the Giraffe Teether at the sale for way less than half the retail price! So excited!! Thanks Aunt Ashley! (By the way, today is her birthday...head over to her blog and leave her some birthday love!)
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