Balance

I struggle with the content of this blog.  I often use it as a tool to keep people we know and love involved in our lives, but it is absolutely not intended to be the only source of involvement.  While I love documenting Ethan's life here, and talking about where God takes my family, I often hold back what's really going on in our lives.  I most certainly hold back from talking about how I feel about certain situations and experiences.

I spend a lot of my time worrying about who is reading this post, rather than just letting things pour out like I want them to.  There are a lot of people I know IRL that read this blog, including family, friends, old co-workers, etc.  I worry about what they will say.

I hate discussing the contents of my blog in a face-to-face conversation.  For me, the posts that I have exposed a little more vulnerability are behind me once I click "publish."  I have nothing more to say about the topic, because I've already poured my heart out in it.  It makes for very awkward conversations where I don't know how to respond without being redundant.  And rarely would I ever speak out loud the things I write.  I'm weird like that.

I worry about my presentation.  I worry about people thinking I'm writing about "them," when the likelihood of that is extremely rare.  I worry about people getting angry, thinking I'm saying things about them on their blog.  I've already had one mishap with one post regarding a couple friends.  While I was making reference to another entirely different situation, I ended up with a very long text message from another friend, thinking I was talking about her.  But isn't that the risk we take involving ourselves in social media?  I struggle with the balance.

We spend so much time thinking that everyone else always has us at the forefront of our mind that we irrationally believe that they are always referring to us.  It's horribly conceited, really, but we all do it to some degree.  My blog, my Facebook account, and my Twitter account are just small little pieces of things that run through my head.  They are never to hurt anyone, exclude anyone, or attack anyone.

I understand that social media, including my blog, are good resources to stay updated and involved in people's lives to a more detailed degree.  These tools are no means an excuse to not stay connected in other ways.  I don't consider you involved in my life or my child's life if you only know what is happening with us via Facebook, blogging or Twitter.  While I am happy to bring my part to the table to keep you involved, it is not my responsibility for the entire thing.  Nothing frustrates me more than someone pretending to be extremely involved in our lives because they saw a sweet picture of Ethan on Twitter.  Reposting it and pretending you were part of the experience doesn't make up for the moments they miss.

While I'm happy to update anyone and fill anyone in on our lives, sometimes I want to be asked about it first.  Sometimes I like to be met in the middle, and sometimes I like the effort to come from both sides. I'm not interested in part time relationships, and I'm not interested in investing my time for anyone that is not willing to return the favor.

I've decided it's time to stop worrying.  I can't help how people feel about what I say and what I write.  While I would never write maliciously about someone, this is my place to write about how I feel.  This is my perspective, my reality, and my public journal to do so.