Tonight is one of those nights that I'm worried about things I can't control, I'm sad about future possibilities, and I'm annoyed with myself for even dwelling on it. So instead of a whiny blogpost, I want to share a funny with you.
I found this article a few weeks ago, and found a lot of humor in it, and decided to share! I've even decided to throw in some of my own comments (in italics) to go along with it. Please know that all my comments are completely sarcastic. Enjoy!
10. Tell her your birth story. Even if she starts to walk away, just follow her with every gory detail about your birth. The more painful and horrible, the better. And be sure to keep asking her if she’s scared. If she says “no” just ask her if she’s sure or tell her that she should be. Maybe she needs to hear about your episiotomy again. We also love to hear about how we are going to definitely "NEED" that epidural, because we sure won't be able to handle it.
9. Suggest a name. It’s doubtful that she and her partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name so it’s important that you weigh in on this decision with a couple of names you thought of on the way into work. If you come up with a funny one be sure to greet her stomach with it, for example scream, “How’s it going in there, Ass-Clown-Charlie Brown?!” Be sure to lean on the surname when you say it. Even better, make sure she is aware that you don't approve of the name they have chosen, no matter how sentimental it may be to them. Make sure you come up with all the ways that other children will tease them with the name we have selected, as if we have not put that into consideration.
8. Comment on her size. If she’s looking big be sure to ask if she’s sure there isn’t two in there or if she’s sure she’s due in two months and not at noon. If she looks small be sure to ask her where she’s hiding it or suggest maybe she just swallowed a grape. This one might also make her worry that something’s wrong so it’s a nice double whammy. Love this. I'm either too big or too small for anyone I talk to. It's also highly polite to discuss the growth of my other "features" that go along with my belly growth. Don't forget to do that.
7. Jump in with “Just you wait until the baby comes” anytime she looks like she’s enjoying herself or if she’s a little too happy about the baby. Clearly she doesn’t realize how difficult it is to have a baby so it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t get too excited. Babies are awful. Anytime she mentions a discomfort or pain, make sure to tell her "just wait" until she gets further along, because that pain will only get worse. Give her something to really look forward too.
6. Tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing. It really is amazing that she made it as far as she has considering how reckless she’s being with her diet and daily routine. Normally you wouldn’t care but seeing as there’s a baby involved, you better get in there and smack that coffee out of her hand; or better yet, just give her dirty looks and shake your head. That will teach her. You don’t want your tax dollars going towards that kid’s tail removal someday. Enough said.
5. Ask her if her pregnancy was an accident. The less you know the woman the better because it will make her realize that you don’t approve of her reproductive schedule (of course you would never come out and say that because that would just be rude). An even subtler comment would be, “You know how that happens, right?” Everybody in the room will think it’s funny but she knows, and you know, that you’ve just pointed out that she’s had sex. If she becomes offended, just tell her it was a joke and to lighten up then roll your eyes and say “hormones.” Of course it is appropriate to ask if this pregnancy was "planned!" Why wouldn't that be your business?
4. Ask her if she knows what she’s having. If she tells you the sex ask her if she’s disappointed that she isn’t having the opposite (on the off chance that she says “yes,” be sure to tell her child that their mother didn’t want them at an age appropriate time). If she says that they aren’t finding out the sex, act surprised and say “Don’t you want to know?!” Say it in a way that implies that she isn’t interested in her baby. You may also give your input on how disappointed you are that she isn't expecting the opposite sex than what she is expecting.
3. Ask her if she conceived naturally especially if you don’t know the woman very well. Be sure to ask her in front of other strangers if possible. It’s a great question because if she used fertility treatments she has to reveal a very person, private part of her life and if she didn’t she also has to reveal a very person, private part of her life. If she says that it’s none of your business, you can just hold up your hands in defense and say, “Whoa, easy, I was just asking a question. Someone is touchy today.” She can’t win. It’s a delicious catch 22. It doesn't matter how rude you are, sticking up for ourselves during pregnancy is ALWAYS hormone related.
2. Toward the end of her pregnancy, be surprised every time you see her. Say things like “Are you STILL pregnant.” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out” – which is nice because it points out the delivery she is *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross too. Please...send people to this link.
1. Touch her belly. The less you know her, the better. Just walk up to her and start molesting her stomach. Make an “MMmmmm” noise while you do it. If that doesn’t get her going, put your face right up to her belly button and talk into it like a microphone. Ask the baby how they’re doing and listen for an answer. If that still doesn’t upset her, comment how her baby doesn’t move much because it didn’t respond to your voice and how she may want to talk to her doctor about that. I love being a human Pillsbury Doughboy, don't you? It's so lovely when people (especially those that have a minimal relationship with you) find it ok to rub you like the Doughboy and don't quite understand when your facial expression shows anything less than pure excitement that you have become the latest genie lamp. You will not get three wishes if you rub my belly, sorry.