Speechless...

It seems to be a common trend that when difficult things come around, I become speechless on my blog.  I want to use this place as an outlet for these discouraging, bitter feelings that I seem to carry around with me lately, but quickly delete so many drafts out of fear of it biting me in the ass later.

There is so much I would love to share with you all in hopes of your wisdom in areas that I'm limited in, yet I'm rendered speechless.  I'm not sure how to get the point across without just laying it all out there.  I often think about deleting this particular blog and beginning again more anonymously, where I can feel more freedom to openly discuss specific situations.  I also love keeping this particular blog open, because so many friends and family that are at a distance can see what we are up to.

Jason and I have recently taken a huge leap into a difficult situation that neither of us ever wanted to even tip-toe into.  We both feel cheated and frustrated.  I'm still struggling with accepting reality in the facts of other's lies.  I feel like we did everything in our power to prevent these situations. Yet here we are, knee deep in a huge mess that was 100% not our fault.  So why are we the ones that get screwed?

I still feel sometimes that I could have done something different to get a different result, but then I remember.  I didn't ask to get sick.  I didn't ask to have pregnancy complications.  I never would have dreamed what an impact those months would have on us.  I never would have thought that we still feel afraid of recurrence, and how my condition during that time has spilled over into every area of our lives.  God has a reason for it all, but I may never know what.  I may never understand.  Honestly? The thought of never understanding sucks.

We are so lucky and thankful for so many terrific family members that live in town with us.  They are willing to support us and help us during this time. Though we are so glad that we have them, it is difficult to even admit that things suck.  I hate for anyone to know when things get difficult.  I'd much rather be the supporter than the supported.  I enjoy being on the giving end of things rather than the receiving end.  I always know that I have help and support from such a large number of people it's incredible.  But I don't like using it.  I'd rather just be around those people, not need anything, especially when they've already given so much, especially over the past year.  Whether it be time, prayer, a shoulder, whatever-Jason and I have been given so much over the past 11 months.  It's difficult to admit that we are still in a situation that we can't do some things on our own.  It's embarrassing to tell a story that doesn't have a positive ending yet.

Jason and I have always felt the need to prove ourselves to some people. These situations make that extremely difficult, because we know that a spiteful grin is likely around the corner.  That spiteful grin makes our times of struggle so much more difficult.  Unfortunately, it's coming.  We cannot avoid it much longer, no matter how hard we try.

It's definitely a huge blow to our pride to admit how defeated we often feel.  We are parents now.  It's our job to do anything and everything for our child, even if it means swallowing pride to do things we don't want to do.  I understand that, but I don't like it.  I know I don't have to like it, but I'm at a place that I really don't want to accept it either.  I especially don't want to accept it because this one was completely out of my control.  I'm a total control freak.  I like to feel that I have a plan laid out in front of me (I'm hysterical to God, I swear) and can move forward with that plan.  This entire situation was out of my control, and of course drove me batty.  It's still driving me batty.  We have a long way to go with this struggle, and I feel like it is going to get harder before it gets any easier.

Well, how about that? I guess I wasn't so speechless after all.