Sunday, December 26, 2010

15 Weeks!




15 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 128. I'm officially paranoid that any weight gain is fluid gain, not baby weight. I can't wait for my next cardiologist appointment to find out.

Maternity clothes? Still my regular jeans! I do the hairband trick for the button on any given day, and using the Bella Band.

Stretch marks? Nope!

Sleep: Still having some nightmares and restlessness.

Best moment this week: A special trip to the OB (thanks to my paranoia) and hearing the heartbeat. The OB finally made a guess of a girl!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Lots of sweets.

Gender: We find out in less than a week! I'm ecstatic!

Labor Signs: Still no, thank goodness!

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie!

Wedding rings on or off? On! I still take them off when I sleep just in case the swelling comes back.

What I miss: Not feeling anxious all the time.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender THIS WEEK!!!

Weekly Wisdom: If you are worried, call the OB. If your OB is any good at all, he will be cautious and do by all means necessary to see you immediately just for peace of mind.

Milestones: We are almost ready to find out if this sweet baby is a boy or a girl! I can't wait to reveal the name to you all! :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Thankful


One of my favorite Christmas songs is completely untraditional, but it comes on Josh Groban's Noel CD. In fact, I listen to this song all year round, just to put things in perspective. Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.
Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.
Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for ~Josh Groban


Jason, Baby Cannoli (can you see him/her waving in the picture?!) and I want to wish you a wonderful Christmas. I hope that you enjoy the holidays with those that mean the most to you.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I've Become my Own Mental Health Patient...

...but I'm not very good at using Motivational Interviewing on myself.

My anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress is through the roof. Just when I seem to believe that those horrible nights in the hospital are a distant nightmare, I scare myself into believing that my trips to the hospital for this fluid are far from over.

I've had countless nightmares that leave me waking up in sweat. Reliving those moments are full of more fear than there was when I actually endured it. I find it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. Any small amount of swelling I find sends me into a whirlwind of tears, panic, and hysteria.

I'm terrified of being alone. I refuse to be left alone at any home, and have been spending my time at my Mom's while Jason works. I'm scared to death that this fluid will come on suddenly again, and I will be alone. I've volunteered to be baby-sat and watched like a hawk until absolute further notice.

I've been weighing myself each day since my hospital trip to keep a close eye on my water retention. I've been holding strong at 126.6. Until yesterday morning when I weighed 128.4. I took my socks off, and noticed my left ankle was swollen, with an ankle bone again barely visible. I freaked. Jason calmed me.

By the time I arrived at Mom's, I was freaking again. She attempted to reassure me that the swelling wasn't close to what it used to be. My breathing was fine, and I felt minimal pressure laying down. My anxiety lead me to also feel the symptoms of an aching leg and left arm. I could tell that although she was trying to comfort me and not panic, she was afraid too. Within an hour, I was crying again. I decided to call the doctors. My fantastic OB/GYN decided in order to be super cautious, he wanted to see me without an appointment. We headed over to be looked over. He listened carefully to my heart and lungs, and was pleased that they sounded even better than they had the week prior. He decided to be proactive about the swelling, and gave me medicine for a couple of days to try to flush the fluid off, and to see me again for my scheduled appointment on the 28th.

This was good enough until today. The medicine isn't making my swelling any better, although it isn't getting worse. So I'm worried again. I feel my incision spot and the pain in my chest that the tube had once been in to drain the fluid. It's like I've had surgery all over again.

I don't see my cardiologist again until January 4th, and I'm agonizing each day over the fear of the return of this fluid and another few days wondering if Baby Cannoli and I are going to make it through. I feel completely overdramatic and paranoid, but I'm just not quite sure how to stop it.

I apologize for my absence lately. I've been trying to find the words for these fears, and even now I'm not sure I've relayed them well.

Thank you again for all the wonderful prayers that you all have lifted up for me lately. Please continue to keep them going!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

14 Weeks


14 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Still 126. Love that I'm not gaining 2 pounds a day anymore.

Maternity clothes? My regular jeans! I do the hairband trick for the button on most days, and using the Bella Band.

Stretch marks? Nope!

Sleep: Still having some nightmares.

Best moment this week: Seeing my OB and hearing the heartbeat again.

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Still lots of cheese. And sweets. Not together.

Gender: Still can't wait to find out!

Labor Signs: Still no, thank goodness!

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie!

Wedding rings on or off? On! I still take them off when I sleep just in case the swelling comes back.

What I miss: Nothing now!

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender on New Years Eve!

Weekly Wisdom: When you start working on trusting God with your entire life, he definitely gives you every opportunity to turn your back. Keep trusting.

Milestones: I've been taken off work until further notice. I haven't decided if this is a positive milestone or negative, but it is definitely not one I expected to reach so early in my second trimester. Thankfully, I'm not on bedrest, just restricted activity.

Friday, December 17, 2010

13 Weeks!

13 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Back to 126! I'm officially just 2 pounds heavier than I was the day I discovered Baby Cannoli. I'm much happier with that number, and that my face and body look back to what I'm used to seeing!

Maternity clothes? I'm back in my regular jeans! I do the hairband trick for the button on most days for comfort, but the maternity pants don't fit anymore. Fine by me! :)

Stretch marks? Nope!

Sleep: Much better now that the swelling is under control. However, I am still having nightmares from the procedure/weekend in the hospital that are disturbing.

Best moment this week: Being released from the hospital knowing that Baby Cannoli is one tough baby!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Cheese. Lots of cheese.

Gender: Still can't wait to find out! We're going in 2 weeks to a local place that will do a 3D ultrasound to reveal the gender at 15/16 weeks!

Labor Signs: Still no, thank goodness!

Belly Button in or out? Definitely an innie now!

Wedding rings on or off? On! I still take them off when I sleep just in case the swelling comes back.

What I miss: Nothing now!

What I am looking forward to: Finally enjoying pregnancy as a healthy woman! I'm really excited for recovery to be done so I can enjoy it!

Weekly Wisdom: Keep your faith.

Milestones: Finally finding out the cause of the swelling, and getting it taken care of! I'm still amazed at the difference from my 12 week picture and my 13 week picture.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Christmas Card!

Within all the chaos over the recent weekend, I was really excited to see my Christmas cards come yesterday from Shutterfly! Since I only ordered 50 this year, I sadly won't be sending any out to my blogger friends, but I wanted to share my well wishes with you anyway!

Mod Sparkles Holiday Card
Create modern holiday cards at Shutterfly
View the entire collection of cards.


Warmest Wishes from the Orlando Family to all of you! I'm so thankful to have you all as a wonderful outlet to write to!

My Heart Has Been Broken and Put Back Together Again. Part 3

Sunday at the hospital was more uneventful than the first few days, thank goodness. I was still taking a small dose of pain medicine, and sleeping well.

However, the fluid draining off my heart was slowing down significantly, and it was time for the tube to come out. I was dreading this part, as my chest and small incision were so sore, I couldn't imagine anyone tugging on it.

The cardiologist arrived, and I began to tense up. He asked to give me something for nerves during the process, and my nurse obliged. I asked when it would kick in. She smiled and told me, "About 30 minutes after he's done." Great. That helps. Pulling the large piece of package tape off my chest was ridiculously painful, as well as pulling the tube out. My family kept trying to make me laugh, and I had to tell them it was not funny yet, because simply laughing made it hurt. Quickly, it was out, and my cardiologist asked if that was the worst part of the whole experience. I quickly told him, "Of course not, that stinking catheter was!" He laughed, and patted me on the shoulder. He told me that I still had a significant amount of fluid on my lungs, and we might need to drain it as well. This did not bode well.

I began to fret, cry and worry. Apparently he also told my family that draining the fluid on my lungs could occur in a few weeks, but I didn't hear that part.

My CCU nurse made me get up and walk that morning, and I made two laps around the CCU floor! I was really proud, but also very tired. As my reward, she let me eat lunch and promised to find the fetal heartbeat for me once more before being released from the CCU into a regular room.

My CCU nurse did as promised, and it was so sweet to hear Baby Cannoli's heart again 24 hours post surgery. We headed up to the regular room (I walked) and got settled. It was a lot bigger of a space, but I really missed my CCU nurses. The other nurses were good, but they weren't as compassionate as my favorite two. They were just in and out. It was starting to snow, and my Dad had to get on the road for safety in case he would be required to work the next day.

Mom, Jason and I spent Sunday evening watching TV and resting. We were all hoping to go home on Monday!

Monday came somewhat quickly, and they wheeled me down for another ECHO. The tech told me that I still have 1cm of fluid around my heard, and 11cm of fluid with "yuck" around my lungs. I was able to hold it together until I got back in my room. I just knew that much fluid meant another surgery, another drain, and more risks. I cried for a while, and my Mom aggressively made me get up in walk. She refused to let me get down. So we walked, and I cried, and she attempted to make me laugh. About halfway through our walk, it worked.

A few short hours later, my cardiologist came in, told us again about the fluid, and discharged me. I have to follow up with a cardiologist within the next few weeks to monitor the fluid, as well as my OB. We were thrilled, and happily packed up quickly to begin our journey home.

We arrived home to find that my sister had cleaned our entire house from top to bottom, did our dishes, as well as our laundry. It was so nice to come in to a clean home and not worry about laundry or things that needed to be done. I could just rest.

Until the fears of recurrence set in.