I've Become my Own Mental Health Patient...

...but I'm not very good at using Motivational Interviewing on myself.

My anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress is through the roof. Just when I seem to believe that those horrible nights in the hospital are a distant nightmare, I scare myself into believing that my trips to the hospital for this fluid are far from over.

I've had countless nightmares that leave me waking up in sweat. Reliving those moments are full of more fear than there was when I actually endured it. I find it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. Any small amount of swelling I find sends me into a whirlwind of tears, panic, and hysteria.

I'm terrified of being alone. I refuse to be left alone at any home, and have been spending my time at my Mom's while Jason works. I'm scared to death that this fluid will come on suddenly again, and I will be alone. I've volunteered to be baby-sat and watched like a hawk until absolute further notice.

I've been weighing myself each day since my hospital trip to keep a close eye on my water retention. I've been holding strong at 126.6. Until yesterday morning when I weighed 128.4. I took my socks off, and noticed my left ankle was swollen, with an ankle bone again barely visible. I freaked. Jason calmed me.

By the time I arrived at Mom's, I was freaking again. She attempted to reassure me that the swelling wasn't close to what it used to be. My breathing was fine, and I felt minimal pressure laying down. My anxiety lead me to also feel the symptoms of an aching leg and left arm. I could tell that although she was trying to comfort me and not panic, she was afraid too. Within an hour, I was crying again. I decided to call the doctors. My fantastic OB/GYN decided in order to be super cautious, he wanted to see me without an appointment. We headed over to be looked over. He listened carefully to my heart and lungs, and was pleased that they sounded even better than they had the week prior. He decided to be proactive about the swelling, and gave me medicine for a couple of days to try to flush the fluid off, and to see me again for my scheduled appointment on the 28th.

This was good enough until today. The medicine isn't making my swelling any better, although it isn't getting worse. So I'm worried again. I feel my incision spot and the pain in my chest that the tube had once been in to drain the fluid. It's like I've had surgery all over again.

I don't see my cardiologist again until January 4th, and I'm agonizing each day over the fear of the return of this fluid and another few days wondering if Baby Cannoli and I are going to make it through. I feel completely overdramatic and paranoid, but I'm just not quite sure how to stop it.

I apologize for my absence lately. I've been trying to find the words for these fears, and even now I'm not sure I've relayed them well.

Thank you again for all the wonderful prayers that you all have lifted up for me lately. Please continue to keep them going!