Taking It All In...

I seriously do not know how to sit still.  I never have.  I have always been wiggly, squirmy, rooting (the adjective given to me by my Mom), fidgety person that cannot sit still.  Literally and figuratively.

Jason couldn't get fidgety if he tried.  He sits still through everything, soaks in every detail, and just enjoys.  Literally and figuratively.  For 5 years, he's been trying to teach me to sit still, but he has been so incredibly unsuccessful.

I constantly think of things in the near future, the far future, and what is to come.  I couldn't wait for high school, I couldn't wait to be old enough to drive, I couldn't wait to graduate.  While I thoroughly enjoyed my high school years, my eyes were constantly looking past the current moment for something better.

I finally graduated, something I thought would make life so much better.  At the time, I was dating another boy very seriously and convinced he was the one I would marry someday.  He and I parted ways for different colleges, different dreams, and different states.  Yet we opted to try to make things work.  So the first year of college was wished away waiting for the time that we would be reunited, and wishing for college to be over so that the long distance portion of our relationship would be over and we could get on with our lives.  Yeah, life was great, but it would be better "when."

The relationship didn't last, and I met Jason.  He and I dated for quite a while, and actually broke up for a few months while I went through a "freak out, I'm not ready for this" phase before deciding that this was the relationship we both wanted to last.  I loved my time dating Jason, it was so special, so spontaneous, and absolutely full of laughter.  But I quickly became ready for more.  I was ready to be engaged, I was ready to graduate college, and I was ready to move on.  Things couldn't have been better, but my eyes were still set on "things will be even better when."

Jason proposed about 10 months before we graduated college.  We were so excited to enjoy that time together, but we both set our eyes on finding jobs, buying our first home, graduating, and getting married.  I loved that we chose an engagement that lasted a year and a half, and we were able to slowly find the pieces to "make life perfect."  We felt so blessed and happy to be together, but unlike Jason who just hangs out in the present, I was still set on the future.

We were married, and spent two fabulous years traveling, working on our home, establishing our careers, and enjoying the newness of marriage.  It didn't take long for those goals to be fulfilled when we began talking about children (nonchalantly at this point.)  While I fully expected to wait a little while longer, my brain was already set on the new goal of a child.

Discovering we were pregnant was definitely a surprise because we did not expect to be so blessed so quickly.  We were thrilled, but as you know the pregnancy time turned sour quickly with our fears and worries.  We were blessed with each day that I was still able to carry Ethan, but I was already focused on his birth.  I was fixated on the time that Ethan would finally arrive, the worries of his time in the womb would vanish, and we could enjoy him.  My entire 41w3d pregnancy became completely focused on the future points.

He's here.  He's finally here, and for the first time in my entire life, I have no agenda.  No other goals other than enjoying the very moment that he looks at me when I speak.  I'm focused on no other moment than the one that he buries his sweet little head into my chest and begins to snore.  I've always been so ready for time to fly by for new adventures, new experiences, and new circumstances.  The day that Ethan finally arrived, I've been so ready for time to just stop.  For the first time in my life, I'm sitting still.

It's taken Jason 5 years, and it took Ethan 5 seconds.  Too bad I didn't listen to his Daddy, because I'm thoroughly enjoying this time to sit still and just take it all in.