Still Down and Frustrated

I don't like not being able to "bounce back."

I'm finding it difficult to sleep for more than a few hours without pain. This morning was incredibly difficult. I woke up feeling like my surgery was just yesterday: aching, nauseous and sore. I attempted to start the morning by eating a Pop-Tart to ease my stomach, and ended up gagging on the first bite, causing an unbearable pain in my breastbone/incision area. I burst into tears, and my mom cried with me. I'm SO frustrated and tired of feeling this way. I slept away the morning, yet another waste.

Recovery is not our only challenge at this point. Not only are we focused on preparing for Ethan's arrival, we are constantly reminded of our other "challenges" that my condition has brought us to. These hurdles are thrown our way well before we ever expected to have to deal with them. This is incredibly frustrating to me, as my health condition is causing the problem, yet my husband is picking up the responsibilities to fix it. I'll just whine and say it: it's not fair.

I have always looked forward to enjoying this pregnancy, and while I love knowing the new things that Ethan is developing each day, it is difficult to enjoy due to how awful I feel and how much stress I am causing.

We have had so much help with our daily activities from our friends and family, which has been a wonderful blessing. All of the encouraging words and prayers have also been a blessing, and I want to thank you all for them.

God is certainly putting me up to the highest challenge of "trusting him" that began the day we discovered our firstborn was coming into our lives.

Home

I'm finally home. I'm exhausted. I'm sore. I'm thrilled.

I will update you all more later, but I just wanted to let you know I'm finally home. Thank you all so much for the prayers and sweet words over the past week. It's definitely been a wild ride.

Working on Preventing Pneumonia

Finally...some hope.

I'm. Still. Here. I've been feeling VERY discouraged and annoyed.  I know my family is tired, and I know they need to get home, but I also know they will refuse to leave my side (which I love, but feel guilty about all the same).

Last night was really rough.  My family definitely has the "laugh through the serious times" attitude, but laughter has been so physically painful, I have begged them not to tell too many jokes around me.  It's nearly impossible to do, and they have been absolutely hilarious.  My mom and I were going back and forth and I started cracking up, and then within seconds burst into tears.  I let my pain get ahead of me, and took more medicine.  I've been so frustrated with my body's inability to recover as fast as I want it to, frustrated with the pain, and frustrated that Ethan and I are going through this again.  My depression level has been higher than I can ever remember, and my anxiety level is running a close second.  My doctors have attempted to be reassuring that the pericardial window surgery gives me an extremely low risk of another recurrence, but I haven't felt reassured.

I've cried a LOT these past few days.  I've cried out of pain, frustration, fear, you name it.  It's not been pretty.  I want this behind us, I want the chance to enjoy being pregnant, and I just want to go HOME!

Today has been better.  My pain has improved, but I am horribly homesick.  I'm glad my husband and parents have been here with me, but I miss my sister terribly.  She was going to come visit today, but the snow created other plans.  

My surgeon came in this afternoon to look at my drain and discuss my fluid output.  Thankfully, it has decreased significantly.  Instead of 900ccs, yesterday was only around the 150 range.  To be extra careful, he wants to leave it in one more day just to make sure my pericardium is completely dry this time.  We still have no other leads for the cause other than a virus that settled itself in my heart and created inflammation and fluid.  He believes the pregnancy exacerbated the problem, but does not believe that future pregnancies will see this problem.

He told us today that with everything they drained during the surgery, along with the output in my drain, I was probably holding about a gallon of fluid around my heart.  We discussed my inconsistent symptoms this time, and he told me that my ECHO and effusion was the most impressive that they have ever seen.  He also could not believe that my body tolerated that much fluid without detrimental effects.  I talked with him about my anxiety of the return of this fluid again.  He was very honest with me and told me that it was a possibility, and briefly mentioned the next steps beyond the window if that were to occur.  He then stopped and told me that although it was a possibility, they have been so careful to make sure that every bit of fluid is gone before they remove the drain, he would be shocked to see me suffer with this again. I was so glad to have my questions answered and to finally feel some reassurance.

My hopes are that the drain will come out tomorrow and that my ECHO will be clear on Monday so that I can be discharged to leave Nashville and come back to Kentucky!  Thank you all so much for the  prayers.  They are working, keep them coming!

A Brief Update

I'm still here in the hospital.  I'm waiting for the fluid to finish draining so rapidly so the doctors can take out the drain.  The waiting and the pain are beginning to frustrate and wear on me.  My spirits were definitely not in good shape yesterday, but today is a little better.

I was hoping to get my drain out today, but it pulled out 900cc's of fluid yesterday, so that is now not an option.  Which means definitely an extra day in the hospital.  Once the drain is out, they will do another ECHO 24 hours after the removal to make sure the window is working the way it is supposed to.  Please pray that it does.  I'm not sure I can physically take much more surgery or pain that results from it.  After a clear ECHO, we can then discuss discharging me from the hospital.

They are still working to find another reason for the fluid to do the best thing they know how to prevent it from returning.  So far, every thing they have examined has lead the doctors to a dead end.

Ethan's heartbeat is still nice and strong, so it is a great comfort to know he is still cozy and comfortable, even if I'm not.

I'll attempt to update you as I know more.

Apologies

It looks like my 16 week photo will not exist. I apologize, as well for not updating you.

I am back in the hospital in Nashville.  I went for my scheduled check-up on Tuesday, and the news was exactly what I expected/dreaded.  My fluid was back, and this time it appeared to be worse.

I was sent back to Nashville from my appointment at the doctor's office via ambulance.  I was incredibly annoyed.  I didn't want to do this again, and I surely don't want Ethan to go through this again.

Upon arriving the hospital, they decided instead of completing the same procedure as before, they would do a pericardial window.  This surgery is much more invasive and would require general anesthesia to do so.  The riskier surgery meant more risks for Ethan and I.  I was back in the hospital no more than 2 hours before I was taken to surgery.

They hope this surgery is a success and permanent.  The window is supposed to be a permanent fix to fluid collection, and I hope and pray that it is the case for me.  Ethan is doing well, and they are giving me peace of mind by continuing to check his fetal heart tones every 12 hours or so. I'm in a lot of pain, and still very tired and sore.  I will be here in the hospital for at least a few more days, but I will try to update you as best I can.  Thank you so much for the prayers.  Please continue to pray for my family and sweet Ethan as we hope to be climbing the mountain to get this nightmare behind us.

My Son...

My sweet baby boy,

I cannot believe that in just a few short months, I'm going to have a SON!  I hope someday you will understand the extreme surprise and excitement I felt when they told me that it was YOU about to be born.

I grew up in a family of girls, and you will learn after your arrival that most of your family playmates will also be little girls.  Because of that, I have never known much about boys.  I hope you will be patient with me as I learn the ins and outs of motherhood for a little boy.  I promise you that I will do all I can to learn as quickly as possible to make your childhood one that you can look back on with fondness.

When I first discovered that I was carrying you, my first instinct (due to our large family history) was that you would  be a little girl.  Daddy and I dreamed of a little boy, and occasionally doubted our original instincts.  We hoped that if our firstborn was a little girl, that God would bless with a little boy someday.  It wasn't until you and I went through a wild ride of health problems in our first few weeks together that I became convinced you were a sweet boy.

I'm sure you will hear the story of my pregnancy with you many times in your life, but you and I have already began adventures that have demanded us to be strong and brave.  Before you had been growing for 12 weeks, the doctors discovered a fluid on my heart that was threatening my life and consequently, yours.  I was determined to fight through whatever I had to in order to be healthy enough to keep you safe and growing.  However, you also had to be willing to go through it with me.  I thank God in every single prayer that you were willing to do so. 

You and I have been through more medications than I ever wanted to take while pregnant, more tests, and even a surgery.  Coming home from the hospital knowing you were still growing reassured me that you were one STRONG baby.  That strength convinced me that it was you and not a little girl.

Daddy and I had chosen your name well before we ever knew that I was pregnant.  We selected your first name because it was one we both liked, and your middle name comes from your great-great-grandfather.  I wish you could have met my sweet Pa.  He was very special in our family, and a man that has inspired your Granny with so much of the wisdom she carries today.  It is only right that you carry on a name that is so special to everyone on your Mommy's side of the family.  Your last name, Orlando, represents your Italian heritage, and the core strength of your Daddy's family.  We knew of your name well before we ever knew of you, and the months to come showed us that your name was meant to be.

Daddy and I discussed your first name just a few days before we discovered that you were a baby boy.  We looked at other options, and then decided to look up the meaning of the original name that we had selected.  Amazingly, your first AND middle name mean strength.  A strength that you have needed to fight your way into this world, and a strength that I pray you will continue to carry with you as you grow up into the wonderful man I know you will become.  I believe that it was no accident that God brought us to you, Ethan Bryant Orlando.  God moved your Daddy and I to your name long ago because he knew you would need your strength, and I would also need your strength as we work to bring you into this world.

We love you so much Ethan, and we cannot wait to meet you this summer.

Mommy